A Note From The CEO

From: “John Lamont” (jolamont@lamindustries.com)
To: All
RE: Year-end wrap-up
12-15-02

Hello, all, I’m writing to congratulate you on another banner year at Lamont Industries. Although our earnings have been steadily declining for the past three quarters (as well you know, I’m sure,) this is in no way an indication of a continuing trend. In fact, I’m quite confident that this- dear employees- is, to put it philosophically, the first quarter of the rest of our business careers. Pending current federal investigation.
I realize that morale has declined this year, and as your leader, I accept some responsibility for this. In large part, though, I blame the morale consultation firm I hired, whose ideas ultimately backfired. To be sure, you had good intent, but your themed-office events, such as Take-Your-Estranged-Spouse-To-Work Day, proved to be counterproductive. I can appreciate the great effort you put into our annual Company Picnic, and applaud the decision to make it a “field-trip” styled event. However, your choice of location—downtown Trenton, New Jersey—shows, to put it mildly, a lack of foresight. We are still missing half of our marketing department. To the Blanford Consultation firm: we’re glad to have done business with you, and perhaps we’ll be in touch. But, for the moment, please have your offices cleaned out by 5 PM. And, just a quick reminder, the furniture is company property. Thanks.
To the rest of our staff: I look forward to a stellar business quarter, and have complete confidence in you. If we are to succeed, we can’t get hung up on our substandard performance these past few years. As George Santayana once said: “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t hire him as our next motivational speaker! Ha ha! Seriously, though, I’ve hired Tony Robbins to come speak at our year-end banquet, which, due to budget constraints, will be held in potluck format.. Hope you all can make it!

Sincerely,
John Lamont, CEO

From: “John Lamont” (jolamont@lamindustries.com)
To: All
RE: Whoops!
04-12-03


I would like to begin by apologizing, quickly, for the events that took place this past month. Sadly, as you know, our annual company activities fair, which should have been a wonderful outing, was the site of tragedy. As your CEO, I want you to know that I share very deeply in your grief. I don’t know who brought the Lawn Darts, nor who started the competition, but I can assure you that I am looking into the matter. In the meantime, funeral services will be held next Thursday, the 20th, at the Sacred Heart parish. I hope you can all come and pay your respects to-- what was it, Susanne? Was that her, the secretary who got a lawn dart lodged in her neck? Temp workers! You can never remember their names, am I right?
Next, we have a very important issue to address; no doubt you have all read the cover article of this month’s Newsweek, which listed our company’s product as one of the top ten carcinogens in today’s marketplace. I had no idea! To assure you that I’ve been proactive, I have hired an independent firm to assess our product’s risks—in the meantime, we will continue with production as scheduled. There is an old saying about not throwing out the baby with the bath water when all your eggs are in one basket. Well, we certainly don’t want to do that!
In a completely unrelated note, our entire PR department has resigned due to “issues of conscience.” I wish them well in all their future endeavors. This is a great chance for all you up-and-coming employees to move a few rungs up the corporate ladder. Anyone interested, please come to our orientation seminar, next Monday at noon, before our 3 o’clock CNN press conference. Free coffee and doughnuts!
Finally, vicious rumors have been circulating with regard to my mismanagement of company funds. Specifically, as you may know, I have been accused of raiding Lamont Industries’ 401k fund to purchase and develop a ranch-style home in northeast New Mexico. I’d like to assure you that these charges are completely erroneous. I’d also like to assure you that it’s pure happenstance I chose to name my new home “401k Ranch.” I hope that we can put this debacle behind us, and focus on our promising future. Also, incidentally, we have decided to discharge our cleaning staff, in favor of a new form of office maintenance. I’ve initiated the “Take Pride in your Workplace” program, under which we are now responsible for cleaning our offices. I hear it’s all the rage in Japan. That concludes this newsletter; if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. Please note, however, that I may be temporarily out of the country for awhile, on business research. Cheers,

John Lamont, CEO