An Open Letter to the Greater Missoula Public Library

Dear Sir,
After much hassle, I negotiated your public library, and rented what I believed to be an enjoyable family film. Imagine my shock upon learning that it is not Black Knight, starring Martin Lawrence. In fact, it is not a movie at all, but the book Paradise Lost, by 17th century British author John Milton. I was devastated, not to mention baffled as to how this could have ended up on the rolling cart near your VHS section.
Crestfallen is the first word that comes to mind. The second and third were, respectively, "No!" and "This is terrible!". Rest assured that I am qualified to distinguish between the two works, as I have previously seen Black Knight . I have basic cable. It is a delightful romp through Medieval Britain, with our hero, Martin Lawrence, finding himself sent back in time. You can imagine the hilarity that ensues. As the tag line assures, "He's about to get medieval on you!"
But, as I have said before, this is not that movie. Not even close. Instead, it's four hundred pages of dense verse. It's heavy too. I read it once before, or skimmed it, or saw it in a magazine, so I felt no compunction to repeat history. I see no point in indulging you, or John Milton-- I don't know him, and after reading the first page, I don't think I want to. At first I thought you might have gotten the two confused, and misplaced this as you felt them to be similar in scope. I can assure you, their similarities are limited. If you did a close reading, you might find Paradise Lost to contain a castle, or a pony, or something old and British like that. However, the comparison ends there. Most notably, up-and-coming comic Martin Lawrence plays no role whatsoever in Paradise Lost. He has no cameos, nor voice-overs, nor is he even featured in the credits, of which there are none. I made a point of reading the title page: where Martin Lawrence's name would have been, there is simply "Paradise Lost, by John Milton". Tell me something I don't know.
Then I thought perhaps you'd misfiled the book thinking, in error, that it was the novelization that launched the movie. So, to give you the benefit of the doubt, I went out and rented the movie at Blockbuster. (You will find the attached receipt-- I hold you responsible for the $10.00 rental fee. Also, I bought popcorn. This is negotiable.) I watched the movie in its entirety, and I even paused the credits, advancing them frame-by-frame. Guess what? Your beloved John Milton is nowhere to be found! He isn't even an extra in the film, which boasts many crowd scenes-- for instance, the banquet scene, wherein Martin teaches the court band to play Sly and the Family Stone's "Dance to the music". This scene works because of the juxtaposition of modern pop music with the stiff formality of Medieval court ceremony. Also, Martin has some totally sweet dance moves. He's truly a man of many talents!
But before I get carried away with the sublimity of the scene, I must return to the matter at hand. I have little use for your lengthy retelling of the Genesis story, and have tried unsuccessfully to make it useful. It's an awful paper weight, being larger than most papers I'd need it to hold-- it covers half of The Enquirer, so I can't read my stories. Also, being in hardcover, it is a completely unacceptable throw toy for dogs. Thurston hasn't moved since yesterday morning, and our unfortunate game of fetch. And I don't think I need to tell you how badly it worked as actual reading material. I am accustomed to TV Guide. "First Moloch, horrid king, besmeared with blood / Of human sacrifice, and parents' tears" ? This tells me nothing about McDreamy!
This is not the first complaint I have lodged against your library, as you will note. Your fiction section is woefully outdated: I am lucky to find one Nora Roberts book among its shelves, let alone Nora Roberts writing as J.D. Robb. However, I noted you have at least three Herman Melville books. I wasn't even aware he'd continued writing after Uncle Tom's Cabin. This is not to mention the numerous grievances I've filed at City Hall with your security guard, and his "unwritten law" policies. If it's illegal to use my George Foreman Grill in a public library, it ought to be written on a plaque. I'm sure I'm not the first person to complain of this. I know that my tax dollars shouldn't be paying for a public library where I can't even wash my hair in the men's room sink. Land of the free? I doubt it.
This clerical error your library has committed does not just affect me-- I invited several of my friends over to watch the movie with me (Douglas, Houser and Turtle, you may remember ejecting them from your library following the horse-shoes incident). Imagine their reaction as I told them we would not be watching Black Knight that evening. It was like telling a poor third-world boy he can't have Christmas that year. We even tried to have a go of it anyway, putting the book on my TV commode and watching it intently. To no one's surprise, that plan failed. Perhaps you don't realize the extent to which your actions hurt others. Today, I tell you, they hurt a lot. I am writing this letter to call to your attention the obvious flaws in your library's filing system, and to seek reparations for the setbacks I was forced to endure. I want to visit the Greater Missoula Public Library once more, and to give you the benefit of the doubt, but with each trip I find my confidence dwindling. I am asking you to set things right-- to overhaul your filing system, and make sure this sort of travesty never happens again. Also, I'm going to need you to spot me that $10.

Your patron,
Charles Macklin